tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
