Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
