I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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