My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
