You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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