i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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