I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Slut skills are useful in every country.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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