I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
