Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
As shirtless as possible
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
