It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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