Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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