i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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