just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
