That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I wish there were birth control emojis
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
