Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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