once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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