if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
