Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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