quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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