I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
