so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
