You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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