you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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