well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
