I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
