this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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