Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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