Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
