The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
