I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He uses pillows to masturbate.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
last night I used snow as a chaser
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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