if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
