you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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