tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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