As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
