Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
don't judge my taste in strippers
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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