Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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