Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
