Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I love having hate sex.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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