Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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