i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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