So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize