I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
