If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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