Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
