On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
