somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
