you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
