It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Randomize
