Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
