I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
