How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
