Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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