when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
