Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Oh god it's open bar.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
