i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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