I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
you're hired as official boob wrangler
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
