I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
