I'd wear matching sweaters with you
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
