Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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