I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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