Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
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