im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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