I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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