One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
There r osticjed everywhere
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
