Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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