Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
