How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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