So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
