Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
